Christmas morning had arrived. I sat up most of the night trying to wrap presents that I’d managed to get while trying to start from scratch in the new house. Oakley was also feeding every two hours. Tired wasn’t the word! The kids woke up early and couldn’t wait to get downstairs. I was trying to hold it together. My friend Charleen invited me and the kids around for Christmas as she didn’t want me alone. She knew how lonely I was feeling and how run down I was. I was a bit worried about going at first as I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes.
I do like cooking Christmas dinner and being in my own home, but at that point it didn’t feel like my home. To be honest, I couldn’t wait to get out. I’d rushed moving in the house as I had no other option. I let the kids open all the presents and have their breakfast, got them showered and dressed and headed over to Charleens. I burst into tears as soon as I saw her, she got me a pair of pyjamas for Christmas, I was so grateful.
I’m not bothered about presents I find it’s always about the kids but Siennah kept saying mum you’ve not got anything for Christmas, why has Santa not got you anything! I had to say maybe he forgot as we’ve moved house. It’s crazy how kids pick up on things. I even felt bad for that as I always want her to believe in Father Christmas for as long as possible. I made sure the kids had everything for Christmas – yes it probably was guilt. I worked hard to make sure I could buy everything that they wanted and I had to buy everything for the new house, but I did it. Remi even says to this day I don’t know how you put Christmas on for the kids and had to start fresh in a new house all in a matter of weeks.
To be honest, I don’t know how I did it, but I done it. My heart was hurting at every angle possible. I still had no idea why I was in this situation. I still to this day, don’t know why. All I know is, Charleen put a smashing Christmas dinner on and made me feel so welcome. I love her to bits for that. We had a laugh, I had some tears and then I went home. My family and Remi kept ringing me all day, they knew I was hurting. I think it had to be the loneliest time I’ve ever had.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I’m on here to be honest about what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. Anyone that has had to leave their home so close to Christmas will understand what I’m saying. I was punishing myself by feeling constantly down. I didn’t know how to be happy again. Boxing day was quite hard as well as again it was always a big family day. I stayed in the house with the kids and let them play with their new toys. The whole day I had no other plans. I made a spaghetti bolognese as normally I have leftover meat for boxing day, but obviously I went to Charleens.
On the 27th December Oakley’s sats started to drop again. I phoned the ward and got advice, they told me to bring him into A&E. Oakley got put on oxygen straight away. They kept him in as he had an infection. You must think the story is crazy, but actually it’s my real life – I was bouncing in and out of hospital and looking after the children and it was really hard. Oakley wasn’t at home until the 30th of December.
The house was upside down from moving and having Christmas. I knew I had to start getting the kids rooms organised more, but I just had no motivation to do anything. I was so used to having everything OCD, but I was really struggling mentally. I thought if I get the house in order, I might have a clear mind.
On New Year’s Eve I had just Siennah so I went to my friends house with her. We played party games they had some more friends over and we had a few drinks. A lot went on which unfortunately I can’t go in to. I know you saw a lot on social media and it was true. I don’t have the words right now to explain why it went on. All I can say is that if you’ve followed me for a long time you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
On the 1st of January the boys were home. Oakley’s stent had snapped so he needed to be seen by the airway specialist. This was caused by lots of secretions being around the top of the stent so it’s just made the plastic snap it wasn’t anyones fault. Unfortunately, I was unable to take the stents out and replace them as Oakleys Airways were too small to be able to do that. He needed a specialist. So we went to hospital, had it changed and came back.
I had a week or so when it was quite calm at home. There was no more hospital trips which I was pleased about. It was now the 7th of January and my dad came up for a wedding with my step mum and sister. I was over the moon to see them as I hadn’t for God knows how long. I’m so close with my parents, but they live so far away. I can tell my mum and dad anything and they would never judge me. They know everything that’s going on with my situation and family life. My parents never judge anyone, they just want what’s best for my children and me. I had a lovely night at my dad’s friends wedding again. There was a lot of tears as my dad was hurting for me. I know I can turn to my dad and ask for a mans point of view and he’ll tell me the truth, even if it’s not what I want to hear. My dad couldn’t see sense of the situation and for me, my dad always had the answers so I didn’t know why he couldn’t understand what was happening.
I took some advice of my step-mum and started looking after myself. I went back to my PT on the 9th January. I used to train hard in between having the boys, it helps my head when times are hard, so I knew I needed to do it for myself.
That night I posted some content on my social media, it was for a lingerie company and I had worked with them for a few months. It was going really well. I felt really confident and to be honest it was work I couldn’t say no to. I have four children to feed, and a house and a car to run. I work with a lot of different brands but I’m telling you this one for a reason – I uploaded the content and got amazing comments, mostly from mums supporting me as they knew I was going through a hard time. It was lovely to have amazing feedback. Some people had other ideas and thought it was okay to mimic what I was doing. I’m a huge believer in do what makes you happy, I love working with brands even if it’s lingerie I don’t see the bad in that. I would walk around the beach in a bikini, so I don’t understand what the difference is. Unfortunately, you can’t please everyone in life. I got really upset and my confidence was completely knocked. I was doing the best I could as a single mum. This was my new normal now… a single mum.
I’m very grateful for my Instagram following, it’s given me amazing opportunities and I’ve met amazing people. Let’s just face it, if I had to work a 9-5 job I would’ve had to quit as my son was bouncing in and out of hospital constantly and I had 3 other children to look after on my own. I don’t feel guilty for working with brands that promote underwear. I try and do it in a classy way to make sure my children never get backlash when they’re older. I’m sure they will understand my job as they have grown up in this world.
I’ve been laughed at in the past for calling this my job, but that’s what it is. I started to question everything I was doing. I was made to feel humiliated on social media and not from my account. It felt like online abuse. Social media can be such a positive thing, and to be honest, I will never be liked by everyone that follows me or knows me, that’s just the way life goes. You can’t please everyone.
On the 10th of January Oakley’s chest started to work really hard again. I phoned the ward, took advice and went to A&E. He went straight into the room and back on oxygen. He had to stay in for a few days, another dose of antibiotics and he came home on the 13th. My head was all over. I know I’ve said this before in my blog, I’ve had three healthy children so to have a child that constantly bounces in and out of hospital was so hard to understand. I was struggling a lot. I was exhausted and slightly confused about why this keep happening. I reached out to Sarah every single day. She told me the Winter is harder for children with this condition because they have respiratory and ENT problems.
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