28th of February 2023. This felt like the longest day of my life at this point. I know I had been in similar situations with Oakley and surgeries but nothing like this. My heart was breaking and my emotions took over. The morning of his first major Craniofacial surgery had come around, my mum had the kids in Newcastle, she sent me some photos of them and told me to worry only about Oakley today. I still feel guilty to the other kids but why? They are happy and safe.
After the doctors had explained everything that was going to happen to my son, they then said he had to go down to theatre now. My step mum, dad and sister walked him down to the surgery ward. I broke down with Oakley in my arms outside the theatre doors, I wasn’t in a good place. The risks couldn’t get out of my head. I know I shouldn’t think like that but when someone is constantly telling you what COULD happen you can’t help but switch off from it. My dad said to me “do you want me to take him in,” I couldn’t even speak, no words came out. I kissed Oakley and gave him to my dad. I took my sister away and my step mum went in with my dad too. My sister was only 3, I know some people couldn’t understand why she was there, but my dad and step mum couldn’t not bring her when they live so far away. But also, I was glad because she kept me going through this. I needed her there more than I actually needed anyone. How could I be depending on a 3 year old to keep my head on the ground? But I was and I’m not ashamed to admit that.
After 10 minutes my dad and step mum came to find me and Teddy. I could see they were both crying but they were trying to show me it will be fine. My dad especially struggles in emotional situations but he was trying to put on a brave face. We planned to take my sister for a walk to try and get out of the hospital but also not to be too far away. That didn’t happen, none of us wanted to leave the hospital at this point. Oakley had been booked in for an all day surgery as it was major Craniofacial Surgery.
We took it in turns phoning the ward to see if any news had come from the surgeons but there was nothing. I was texting Sarah (Kayas mum) throughout the day. She was telling me again what to expect and how things would look. I think it brings back a lot of emotion for Sarah as she’s been in my shoes in the same hospital with the same surgeons.
My phone was going crazy with family and friends trying to reach out to me to find out what’s going on but I had nothing to say, and I couldn’t explain how I was feeling. My step mum told me to just ignore everyone for now and focus on what’s going on in the hospital. It was like none of us could sit still. My step mum went up to Oakley’s hospital room and did some work on her laptop to try and distract herself, but also so someone was there if a nurse or Doctor came. My dad, Teddy and I sat waiting downstairs at Costa for hours on end. It felt like forever waiting.
At around 6pm we eventually got a call to go to recovery. Oakley was out and it was like I could breathe again. We all went over to HDU to see Oakley. They only let 2 adults in to see him. My dad and I went first and Jane stayed with Teddy. After a long day I had a massive shock. Even though Sarah had tried to prepare me, it’s still difficult seeing your child in such a way. The surgeons came to see us and explained Oakley had the full amount of blood transfusion. This was one of the smaller risks with the surgery. Even though blood transfusions can have risks it was the only way to ensure Oakley was safe during the procedure. I had to sign a separate form to say I was happy for them to do that if necessary. There was a lot going on on social media which I couldn’t deal with, especially when my son was where he was. Nothing else mattered to me more than making sure my son was stable.
My dad went out and swapped with Jane. She saw Oakley and burst into tears. I think even the HDU section in the hospital was overwhelming let alone anything else that was going on. The surgery went well as far as the doctors were concerned. Oakley had a big bandage over his head which would be removed on day 3. His eyes were extremely swollen and so was his head which is expected. I could see the metal work popping out of the bandage. They said to me it isn’t going to be nice when the bandage is removed but right now it’s important to keep it on because of infection. I kept Oakley’s money with him in his surgery which has been in with him every time. The money has a cross on him which was a gift and had been blessed by the priest before hand.
Jane asked me if I was ok, I couldn’t even speak it was far too much to see and hear in one day. I didn’t know how much more I could take. She told me to go call my mum and tell her Oakley was out and was stable. I went out with Teddy and my dad went back in. I sent my mum a photo and she called me straight away. She had so many questions but I didn’t know what to say. The kids tried to speak to me on FaceTime but they could see I was upset so I said I would call back soon.
I swapped back over with Jane and sat next to Oakley’s bed, the nurse came in and said we are keeping him in HDU and Oakley needed oxygen to support him, she said for the next few hours he would need a lot of help. The night of surgery was a long night, Oakley was on hourly monitors and they let me stay with him which I was over the moon about. I honestly had never seen such a small human going through so much. My heart was hurting.
A note about this blog – I want to keep my blog going for as long as possible. Right now I’m working on going back in time but I want to be writing my blog about current times so you guys read exactly how I’m feeling there and then. I enjoy expressing the feelings and showing you all my journey. I do cry writing this but it’s also getting it off my shoulders. Thank you to those of you who read these and send me such lovely message.
Talia x
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