Happy New Year my lovelies, I just want to say I hope this year brings you all happiness and health. That’s all that matters in life.
So where did I leave off? Oakley’s first major Craniofacial surgery. The hospital let me stay in the high dependency unit with Oakley on the night of the operation. I was on a chair all night but who am I to complain when my son is sat there after having his skull operated on. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else other than by his side.
I just want to explain something and I shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed of this – but at this point in my life I was in auto pilot. I had to get through everything and manage the children and the hospital trips. A lot of you guys ask ‘how did you cope?,’ ‘how did you feel?,’ I genuinely don’t know. It’s like we have no option but to just get on with it. I struggled a lot. Sleep wasn’t a thing, eating wasn’t a thing, I still hadn’t processed that my son has a rare condition. It was getting through each day that I had to focus on. Looking back, the only way I can describe it is like being in survival mode.
I was grateful the hospital allowed me to stay with Oakley being in HDU. I needed to do that for myself and for him. He had a large bandage around his head and Sarah had warned me on day 3 they take the bandage off, which won’t be a nice thing to see as he’s had major surgery. I was texting Sarah a lot as to be honest, I had no one in this whole world who would understand what I was going through at that moment in time. Sarah has twins and only one of them has Apert Syndrome so she understands the guilt I also have for my other kids.
My little man had a rough night, the nurses tried to keep him comfortable on morphine but I can’t imagine the pain he was in. There were other children in the high dependency unit so I think their machines were waking him up. He was on a lot of oxygen and still had the bandages on. I could see the metal work hanging out of the bandage. Oakley also had wires all over his chest so they could monitor everything. It is a scary situation as a mother to see your child in such a critical way.
On the 1st March the nurses came around and moved Oakley to his own room. I was over the moon as it meant he was on the road to recovery. My dad came up to the hospital and I went for a walk with my sister while they took the bandages off. I was so anxious about this, and being in the hospital for days on end it was good to go out for some fresh air around the hospital grounds. My dad called me and said it’s fine, the bandage is off and Oakley is ok. As my dad was calm it helped reassure me.
I walked back up to the ward and I did have a cry when I saw Oakley, I think it was a shock. Don’t get me wrong he looked great in himself but I think it was more of shock for me. The Doctors came around and said I have to be trained in turning Oakley’s metal work in his head before he can be discharged, I was frightened. They gave me a screwdriver type tool and said this is what you will use. I had my psychologist there and I burst into tears and said I can’t do it. The Doctor said it will be fine, but I said you don’t get it this is my son’s skull! Sometimes I feel like Doctors do this everyday, they are choosing to do this job, I didn’t choose to twist my sons head, I just know I have to do it. I wasn’t ready for this.
I think I was traumatised from the last few days being in HDU and waiting around for hours driving myself mad, feeling guilty for Oakley being in such a bad way. It was just not a nice place to be in mentally. I needed help. The psychologist spoke up and said she’s not ready for all this yet. The Doctor said they will see how Oakley is the following day and see how I am. I don’t know if I have mentioned this but they also told me Oakley had a full amount of blood transfusion during the operation too, which was always a risk but I never thought it would actually happen.
There was a lot going on on social media which I’m sure you guys who have followed me for a while saw. It wasn’t right me dealing with what I was dealing with. I had to protect myself and the situation I was in and just put up and shut up. My agents who were logged into my account put up a post and asked people to respect my privacy for a while. When my life is so public it is hard to deal with situations sometimes especially on other people’s accounts.
My friend Jess who I met in Mexico 4 years ago lives in Liverpool and I speak to her most days. She came up the hospital with her sister and came to see Oakely and I. At this point I hadn’t told anyone about the condition still apart from my family and a few close friends. Jess came up to see us and took all our washing and cleaned it all as I didn’t know when I was allowed to go home. She was mortified with what was going on on social media and told me to focus on Oakley and myself. She knew the kids were ok with my mum. I knew she was right and that was what I was going to do.
She knew I was really struggling with everything, I told her I don’t think I can do this skill turn with the tool. She said Talia you aren’t ready but you will be. I needed someone to give me a bit of a confidence boost and she did. My dad said he would stay with Oakley for a while and for me to get out of the hospital and have a shower, as I didn’t sleep in HDU I just couldn’t. I think he had a word with one of the nurses as they came to the room and also told me to leave for a while and get a shower. Looking back, did I really stink that bad haha. I couldn’t even bare to think about food, I felt drained.
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