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So I guess I left my last blog on a bit of a cliff-hanger with how I felt!
The truth is I felt completely numb. I didn’t know if it was ok to feel like that. But I still didn’t know what was going on. Four babies in and I’d never felt like this before.
I’d just given birth and my baby got taken from me, I was sat in the delivery suite for about twelve hours on my own.
I remember the first person who came to see me was a hand surgeon. She told me my son would probably need between two and four surgeries on each hand, but I still had no clue what she was talking about. I just couldn’t digest what I was living, what was going on? I couldn’t even cry because I was in a complete state of shock!
The surgeon was sat with me for a good half an hour, telling me about ‘Apert Syndrome’, saying she was going to put me in touch with a family who has a boy with the same condition. I remember telling her to get out of the room at one point.
Next a foot surgeon came in… at this point I was still in the delivery suite, I hadn’t even had a shower. My phone was constantly ringing and texts were coming through. Everyone knew the baby had been delivered but I couldn’t even bring myself to speak to my mum or dad.
I just remember thinking is my baby going to live?
The foot surgeon was talking about how my son might not be able to walk properly and that he would probably need foot surgery in time to come. I just remember it going around in my head over and over again.
At that moment I couldn’t take in any information from those two conversations, it was like I was there, but I couldn’t even think about what had just happened.
This was my fourth child … I bought a sling and was planning on breast feeding, I was hoping it would be so easy as I’d done it three times before. I couldn’t have been further from reality.
I eventually got moved to a room of my own on a ward, I knew loads of the midwives from previously having Maddox and Romeo. I was glad to see a few familiar faces and I needed answers, but it seemed no one had any.
I got passed over to a lead paediatric consultant who specialises in poorly babies, I burst into tears when she came in. She said genetic testing needed to happen but she was 99% sure it was Apert Syndrome and told me not google it.
I eventually text my mum, she thought the worst had happened to the baby as she couldn’t get hold of me. I couldn’t even speak on the phone, she had no clue what had happened she just knew he wasn’t well. My mum booked the next available flight to be with me and was there the day after Oakley was born.
Even now when I look back to the moment when my mum walked in, it was like I was a little girl again. I needed her more than ever, and more than anyone in the world. She came in and I just cried for hours and hours. My mum looked at Oakley and instantly knew it was Apert Syndrome. She said she looked after a child with this condition when she worked at a school.
I still didn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe it. My mum met with the lead consultant and asked her about 100 questions as I still couldn’t speak. I can only describe it as a feeling of grief. I was grieving for my baby bubble I thought I was going have and I was grieving for a healthy baby.
The hospital were so supportive, they allowed my mum to sleep in hospital with me. I think they knew I was in a really bad place. I couldn’t explain to anyone how I was feeling other than my mum. Every health professional that was coming into that room I was telling them to leave. Oakley kept getting taken from me, it was bloods after bloods.
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