It was 27th November 2022. Christmas wasn’t far away and Newcastle opened up their Winter Wonderland. I took Siennah and the boys that evening. Normally Christmas is the happiest time of year and I always make a big deal for the kids. My heart was hurting but I needed to put on a brave face. I couldn’t take Oakley as it was so cold and I didn’t want him catching anything and ending up back in the hospital. The equipment was so much to take as well as the buggy and 2 toddlers. I went with Nicole and Josh and their two boys. I actually cried when I was there I just knew this wasn’t going to be a nice time of year for me. I was searching for a new home for me and the kids everything was just getting too much. When I look back at photos I can see the pain in my eyes, it ain’t nice, but the kids had a blast!! Nicole and Josh have always been so supportive, I honestly don’t know where I would be today with out them.
At Christmas I always make sure the kids have elf the shelf balloons and cakes. I woke up in the morning of 30th November and brought the boys and Siennah down, they were so excited!!! Night times were so long as Oakley was feeding every 2 hours, and then I was up all day with the kids. I hadn’t ever felt exhausted like that before. I couldn’t understand why Oakley was not settling and why I couldn’t get him into a routine.
I got the keys to a house which wasn’t far from the family home. I started to go out to the shops to buy everything as I had to start fresh. It was a good job I saved money as it can be so expensive especially so close to Christmas. Hats off to anyone who’s had to do this before Christmas.
On 2nd of December my friend Remi came up North, her husband had a big boxing match. The only time I get to see her is when Josh her husband is fighting up North. I got sorted and decided I needed some time out the house with my best friend even though I felt guilty for this. But why? I know I’m a good mum, I know I’m putting my children first, but I guess some people can make you feel so bad for doing something for yourself. I needed the time to vent to someone close to me, as most my friends and family live down South. I hadn’t been out in over a year and with everything that was going on I needed it for me! I didn’t feel confident at all, I knew the weight was flying off me due to stress and my head just wasn’t in it.
On 9th December, I got a call from the nurse who had Oakley for 3 hours on this day. I was trying to go from one house to the other with the new stuff to move in -she said she had to call an ambulance, my heart dropped. Oakley sats had started to drop (his oxygen levels). If a nurse is calling an ambulance on him with his sats, what the hell am I going to do when I move out and have 3 other kids to care for? My anxiety levels were taking over. I was in A&E a few hours and then they admitted him to the ward. It seemed like this was mine and Oakley’s second home which isn’t a nice thought. Turns out he had a viral infection which can make his sats drop. They decided he needed to go on oxygen at home to avoid keep coming into hospital. They trained me on the oxygen so I knew if he started to go below 92 he goes on the oxygen. More machines to be coming home.
We went home a few days later so I carried on buying things for the house, the sofa and fridge had arrived. I was hurting so much, after 5 years of living up North in the same home and now it was time to leave. I tried to make it as cosy for the kids as possible but the house is very small.
The 12th December was the first night in the house with the kids. Josh and Nicole came round and built my bed while I had someone sorting the boys cots. Romeo and Maddox were so confused, they didn’t want to sleep in the new room so I put them in my bed for a few nights until they felt comfortable. I cried myself to sleep most nights. How can I explain what’s going on to the kids to make them understand, I couldn’t do that. I tried to make it a happy moment and say it’s our new home now. The boys room was my priority as they just couldn’t settle. I went for a jungle theme to make the room fun for them. I did my best with the space I had.
On the 16th December, I was driving and someone crashed into my car. Honestly I was gutted, I had to have a new door put in. This gave me a massive shock… things couldn’t of got any worse right now.
Josh and Nicole kept coming round every few days as they knew I was struggling a lot mentally. Josh was helping me build furniture after he finished work some days. Like I’ve said, I don’t know what I would of done without these two keeping me in check. I went days without eating, I felt like my heart was going to fall out my chest. I was dealing with birth trauma, my poorly son in and out of hospital and my heart was hurting. It was so close to Christmas at this point but I couldn’t go down South as Oakley was bouncing in and out of hospital.
I tried to keep the Christmas traditions I had done for the previous years in place for the kids. I had an elf come to the house and invited Josh and Nicole over. It was hectic but the kids were so excited and that’s what I needed to see. Your children being happy is the only medicine you need sometimes.
People viewing my social media knew I had moved out and people started to notice I was hurting. I had a friend called Danielle who I hadn’t spoken to for over a year. We fell out over silly stuff. She reached out as she knew I needed friends near me who wouldn’t judge my situation. She came over to talk and see Oakley. She walked in and I just burst into tears to her. When I last saw her I was in a good place, I had a family unit and wasn’t alone but my life had done a 180.
She told me Oakley was beautiful and she will be there for me no matter what. I needed her more than ever at this point. She was so angry at the situation I was in. I still remember her saying to me I looked unwell.
It was Christmas Eve – everyone else I knew was food shopping and getting ready for a big day. I sat in my house all day and was holding the tears back. It was the loneliest Christmas Eve I’ve ever had.
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